Session 43: Faith

I’m requesting a diagnosis.

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Of what?

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My marriage.

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In your professional opinion, what’s the core problem?

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Lack of faith.

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Faith?  Like in God?

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No, in relationship. 

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Explain.

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If every morning you swing your feet out of bed and find a solid floor to stand on, you develop faith in the floor. 

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bert-5

And if whenever you need them your important relationships are there for you, you develop faith in relationship.

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And if they’re not…

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You don‘t.

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Then I haven’t.

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Common problem, actually, among people who grew up in dysfunctional families.

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My wife and I both did.

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I figured.

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Can you create faith in relationship?

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If you want to.  It takes some work.

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What kind of work?

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You have to practice mutuality. 

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Another new word.  Okay, I’ll bite.  What’s “mutuality”?

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The belief that what’s good for one partner is ultimately good for the other.

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Sounds like codependency.

Actually it’s the opposite.  Codependency means you try to control each other because you expect to be disappointed or hurt.

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But mutuality means you  stop controlling, because you expect to get fed.  You have faith that whatever you give to the relationship will somehow come back to you. 

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Yes, but I don’t really believe that.

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That’s where the work comes in.  At first you have to fake it.

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Until I make it?

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Until she starts feeding you back.  After that you won’t have to fake anything.

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But what if I feed her and feed her and she never feeds me?

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Well, that would mean my theory is all wrong.

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bert-17

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And you can throw it right back in my faith. 

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* * *

Session 45: Feeding Felicia

So.  I gave Felicia the cookie.

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Ah.  Left it on her pillow?

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And flew away, as you suggested.

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And? 

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And she came and asked why I did it.

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What did you say?

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“I wanted to.”

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Good answer.

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Apparently.  She hugged me.

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Good job.

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It was just a cookie.

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No, it was a course correction.  You feel you two moving in a new direction now?

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Yeah.  How do I keep it going?

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Keep feeding her. 

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Cookies?

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No, no.  Emotional feeding.

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With what?

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Well, there are four foods we need from our important relationships.

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Attention, acceptance, appreciation and affection.

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And if we don’t get that stuff regularly…

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We starve.

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Okay.  I fed her attention with the cookie.  How can I show acceptance?

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Name something she does that she knows annoys you.

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Watches reality tv.

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Huh.  That’s a tough one.

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Why?  What are you suggesting?

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Sit and watch with her.

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Holy mother of God.

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Not for long.  Ten minutes.

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You’re kidding, right?  “The Kardashians”?

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(Shivers.) 

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bert16

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Neverthless.  Do it for the marriage.

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I’m not sure any marriage is worth it.

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Now, now.  Just once.  Treat it like an experiment.

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Okay.  (Gulps.)  I’ll try.

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Good man.  Be brave.  Be  curious.   

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Can I be drunk?

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* * *

Session 44: The cookie fairy

bert 1

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How’s Felicia?

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Still not talking to me

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How long has it been?

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Today’s the fourth day.

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Does her silence still scare you?

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No, not really.

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How do you feel?

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Kind of sorry for her.

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How come?

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Since we stopped dancing, she seems sort of lost.  And sad.

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I see. 

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bert-7

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Does she like cookies?

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Cookies?  Sure.

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What’s her favorite?

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Those huge ones.  Chocolate chip.

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The ones big as a small pizza?

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Yeah.

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Go buy one.

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bert-11

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Leave it on her pillow.

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And say what?

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Nothing.  Make like the Cookie Fairy.  Leave it and fly away.

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Won’t that confuse her again?

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Maybe.  But in a good way.

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It’s not appeasement?

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No.  It’s paying attention.

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Most married people are starved for attention.  And she sounds like she needs some right now. 

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It’s not the sort of thing I usually do.

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All the more reason.

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bert-17

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You want to redefine this marriage, right?

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Right.

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That means trying new stuff.  Experimenting.  Taking risks.

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But what if she rejects my cookie?

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Well, if that happens… 

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bert

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At least you have dessert for the next two nights. 

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* * * 

Four. New. Pages.

ALRIGHT ALREADY.

 

By popular demand,
and for the browsing convenience
of its loyal readers,
Monkeytraps has begun reorganizing its archives
by creating four new pages
of links and excerpts.

 

So if you’re a new friend of Monkeytraps,
you can now catch up on
what you’ve been missing
about these absolutely vital topics:

The idea of control
Control & feelings
Control & relationships
Control & self-care

 

 

And if you’re an old friend,
you can refresh your memory
(and strengthen your recovery)
by revisiting these favorites:

The Talk
The idea of control
How to spot monkeytraps
Bert’s mission
Bert’s Plan A
What we mean when we talk about control
Can we talk? No, damn it
Me first. / Yes, dear.
Scratch a codependent, find a narcissist
Control isn’t power
Bert’s strawberry
Gas in California

Among others.

 

More to come in the future, including our new

Control & Parenting page. 

 

To start exploring, just click on the NEW PAGE headings.

Session 42: Dancing

So, I did what you suggested.

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With Felicia?

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Yes.  I stopped trying to appease her.

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therapist-2

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And I asked what she’s really angry about.

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How did she react?

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She stopped talking to me.

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Oh.  How’s that feel?

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Not sure yet.  I don’t miss the criticism.  But the silence scares me.

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Why?

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It makes me think she’s even angrier at me than she was.

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Maybe.  But probably you just confused her.

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Confused her how?

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You stopped dancing.

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Come again?

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Like most couples, you two have developed a predictable way of coping with conflict.  I call it your dance.

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And you know this how?

You described it to me last time.  Apparently it starts when she’s unhappy about something, and expresses it with a complaint or a demand.

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bert

To which you respond by trying to appease her. To which she responds with a new complaint or demand. And so on.

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That does sound familiar.

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How long does this dance usually last?

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Two, three days.  Sometimes a week.

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And how many times have you done it?

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Hundreds.  Thousands.  It never accomplishes anything.

Well, in a way it does.  It keeps things predictable.  Discharges the tension, gives you a sense of control. 

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But doesn’t solve the problem.

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True.  Dancing just maintains the status quo. 

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I’m sick of the status quo.  What do I do now?

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You already did it.  You interrupted the dance.  Now it’s her move.

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And I just wait?

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Right.

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And do nothing?

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Right.  See what happens.

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bert-18

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How do you feel about that?

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Like dancing.

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* * *

Session 41: Gorilla warfare

Felicia’s pissed at me.

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What about?

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I’m not really sure.

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therapist-2

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Monday she said I don’t make enough money.

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th

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Tuesday she complained I’m not home enough.

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therapist-4

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Wednesday she called me an “uninvolved father.”

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therapist-5

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Thursday she called me a slob.

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Sounds confusing.

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Bet your ass.

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How did you respond?

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Well, let’s see. Tuesday I went in and asked my boss for a raise.

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therapist-8

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Wednesday I came home early with flowers.

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Thursday I helped Junior with his science project.

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therapist-10

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And Friday I did two loads of laundry and cleaned the bathroom.

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Did it work?

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No.  Now she tells me I’m fat.  What’s going on here?

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Gorilla warfare.

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Don’t you mean “guerilla” warfare?

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No, gorilla.  It’s a control thing.  Your two inner monkeys are battling it out. 

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bert-14

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Happens all the time in split-level relationships.*

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2*What’s this?  Click here.

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bert-14

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One partner seeks satisfaction by complaining or making endless demands on the other.

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bert-15

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The other seeks relief by trying to appease the first.  But it never works.

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Why not?

Because they’re ignoring the real problem, whatever that is.  Pretty common in couples who haven’t learned to talk to each other.

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Well, I hate feeling beat up.  What can I do?

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Less.

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Meaning…

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Give up control.  Stop appeasing her. 

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She’ll get angry.

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She’s already angry.  Same result, less work. 

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Okay.  Anything else?

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Give up control in another way.  Ask what she’s really angry about. 

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She may not know at first. That’s fine. Be patient.  Be curious.  Be brave.  Keep asking.

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That I can’t do.

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Why not?

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She might actually tell me.

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Oh.  Well, in that case…

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There’s always Weight Watchers.

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* * *

Session 40: Controlapy

Okay, I give up.  You’ve convinced me.

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Of what?

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That control addiction is my biggest problem.

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What did it?

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Our last session.

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therapist-3

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Afterwards I realized that I really do feel like I’m always walking six dogs at once.

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Good.

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So what do we do now?

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Controlapy.

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What’s that?

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Control therapy.  My nickname for it.

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“Controlapy”?  That’s stupid.

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Yes.  But catchy.

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And I suppose that makes you a…

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Controlapist.

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(Sigh.)

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therapist

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And what does “controlapy” involve?

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Learning three things.

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bert-11

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First, what control addiction is and how it infects all of us.

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Second, where you personally have problems with compulsive controlling.

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bert-13

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And finally, how to replace control addiction with healthier coping methods.

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And you set the agenda?

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Mostly I react to what you bring in.  But I decide which sort of learning we need to focus on.

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Isn’t that, well, controlling of you?

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I suppose.

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bert-16

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But also controlapeutic.

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bert-17

* * *

Session 39: Leashed

There’s something I don’t understand about control addiction.

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What’s that?

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You say everyone is addicted to control?

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Right.

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Doesn’t that mean this “addiction” is really just human nature?

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Well, I’m not sure what “human nature” means.  So I’d put it differently.

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bert

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It’s perfectly normal for human beings to be addicted to control.  It just isn’t healthy. 

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“Normal” and “healthy” aren’t the same thing?

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Oh no.  How many normal people do you know?

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Lots.

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And how many healthy people do you know?

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Hm.  I take your point.

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therapist-7

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But I still don’t see what’s “normal” about being a control addict.

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Do you ever worry about the future?

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Of course.

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You’re addicted.  Do you ever fret over the past? 

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Sure.

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You’re addicted.  Ever hide your feelings for fear of how others might react? 

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All the time.

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You’re addicted.  Ever worry about whether people will like or love or accept you?

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Constantly.

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You’re addicted.  Ever lie, or manipulate, or distort the truth to get what you want? 

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Okay, I get it.

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Ever avoid annoying people or uncomfortable situations? 

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I said, I get it.

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Ever plan?  Strategize?  Analyze?  Fantasize?  Agonize?  Dream?  Ruminate?  Obsess? 

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You can stop now.

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Just making my point.  Controlling is so utterly ordinary that most of the time we barely notice we’re doing it. 

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bert-16

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Until it traps us, that is. 

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And how does it trap us?

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Have you ever walked six dogs at the same time?

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No.

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You set out thinking that you’re walking them.  But before long you realize the dogs are walking you.

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Meaning…

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Whatever we try to control controls us.  And the more controlling you are, the more out of control you feel.

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35

* * *

Win a BERT MUG!

*

This blog was launched

on March 30, 2011.

 

Happy birthday to us.

 

To celebrate,

Monkeytraps

announces its first

BERT MUG

contest.

The Bert mug. Striking, no?

*

A classic collector’s item in toilet-bowl white with the iconic visage of the inimitable Bert etched in jungle-rot green.  Oh, okay.  It’s an ordinary coffee mug with a monkey cartoon on it.  But it’s free.  And we promise you’ll be the only person you know who has one.

*

 

*

The Bert Mug has many uses:

One use.

Another use.

Not recommended.

 

 

*

 To enter the contest, just:

(1) Sign up for the Monkeytraps mailing list by sending us an email to fritzfreud@aol.com.   Include your name and the word SUBSCRIBE in the subject line.

(2) In that same email, suggest a caption for the Bert Mug having something to do with control addiction. 

It can be serious or funny, poignant or pungent, clean or dirty, silly or profound.   For example:

*

All I want is total control. 

 

Is that a banana in your pocket?   

 

I control, therefore I am. 

  

Hey, that’s not the reality I ordered. 

 

Like that. 

Entries will be judged according to what makes the judges laugh loudest, cry hardest, think deepest, or experience instant remission of all codependent symptoms. 

Just kidding.  Send whatever you think sounds cute. 

*

CONTEST JUDGES:

STEVE

Therapist, writer, cartoonist, codependency theorist, and co-author of Monkeytraps.

2

 

3

BERT

Inner monkey, career codependent, co-author of Monkeytraps, and the mug’s poster boy.

2

 

3

FELICIA

Bert’s wife, soon to appear in a series of “Bert’s Therapy” couples sessions. She asked to participate in this contest, and Bert can’t say no to her.  (Should give you an idea of what the couples sessions will be like.)  Refused to be sketched for this post (“With this hair?  Are you insane?”).

 

COME ONE!!

COME ALL!!

 TELL YOUR FRIENDS!!

TELL YOUR FAMILY!!

(MOM ESPECIALLY!!)

GET THE LEAD OUT!!

THIS MEANS YOU!!

YES, YOU!!