Session 42: Dancing

So, I did what you suggested.

1

2

3

With Felicia?

1

2

3

Yes.  I stopped trying to appease her.

1

2

3

therapist-2

12

3

And I asked what she’s really angry about.

1

2

How did she react?

1

2

 

3

She stopped talking to me.

1

2

3

Oh.  How’s that feel?

1

2

3

Not sure yet.  I don’t miss the criticism.  But the silence scares me.

1

Why?

1

2

3

It makes me think she’s even angrier at me than she was.

1

Maybe.  But probably you just confused her.

1

 

2

3

Confused her how?

1

2

3

You stopped dancing.

1

2

3

Come again?

1

Like most couples, you two have developed a predictable way of coping with conflict.  I call it your dance.

1

 

2

3

And you know this how?

You described it to me last time.  Apparently it starts when she’s unhappy about something, and expresses it with a complaint or a demand.

1

 

2

3

bert

To which you respond by trying to appease her. To which she responds with a new complaint or demand. And so on.

1

2

3

That does sound familiar.

1

2

How long does this dance usually last?

1

2

3

Two, three days.  Sometimes a week.

1

And how many times have you done it?

1

 

2

3

Hundreds.  Thousands.  It never accomplishes anything.

Well, in a way it does.  It keeps things predictable.  Discharges the tension, gives you a sense of control. 

1

 

2

3

But doesn’t solve the problem.

1

2

True.  Dancing just maintains the status quo. 

1

 

2

3

I’m sick of the status quo.  What do I do now?

1

You already did it.  You interrupted the dance.  Now it’s her move.

1

 

2

3

And I just wait?

1

2

3

Right.

1

2

3

And do nothing?

1

2

3

Right.  See what happens.

1

2

3

bert-18

1

2

3

How do you feel about that?

1

2

3

Like dancing.

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

* * *