The 3-question machine

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(Chapters of my new book, Monkeytraps for Adult Children, will resume shortly.  Meanwhile here’s something I wrote ten years ago and was inspired to update and repost by a recent therapy group discussion.) 

Probably the hardest thing about recovering from control addiction is learning how to distinguish healthy from unhealthy controlling.

Since not all controlling is unhealthy.

Since sometimes it’s absolutely realistic and necessary. 

Like when you’re driving on ice, or your toilet overflows, or your kid is sick.

Not situations where you want to surrender control.

On the other hand, there are times when we feel the urge to control stuff that either cannot or should not be controlled.

Like when we try to control other people, or our own feelings, in dysfunctional ways.  

Times when the urge to control is at best unrealistic, at worst counterproductive.

Even self-destructive.

Times when we really need a reliable way to answer the question To control, or not to control?

Here’s one way.

 

 The 3-question machine

This is an imaginary machine, just a series of questions you can use to evaluate how to best cope in a given situation.

It’s mechanical in the sense that you can plug your situation into it, turn the crank and it will produce a reliable answer.

The questions are

(1) What am I trying to control here?

(2) Have I been able to control this before? 

                   And if the answer to (2) is No,

(3) What can I do instead?

These are essential questions to ask ourselves when stressed, because they remind us that (a) stress is what usually triggers our controlling, and (b) our controlling usually produces more stress.

Not always easy to answer, though.   

Because each is a trick question.

 

(1) What am I

trying to control?

Control addicts answer this by looking outside themselves, at externals: 

I want my spouse to stop criticizing me. 

I want more money in the bank. 

I want my son to pass Math.

But don’t be tricked. 

Remember that what we really want to control is feelings.   

Your spouse’s criticism causes hurt; lack of money creates anxiety; your son’s grades are embarrassing. 

So what you really want is to eliminate hurt, anxiety and embarrassment.

That’s good news, since feelings tend to be easier to manage than externals.

 

(2) Have I been able to

control this in the past?

Same trick here.  Focus on feelings.

Say you tried to control your spouse’s criticism by apologizing, appeasing, or retaliating.  

Did any of that leave you feeling less hurt or angry?

Say you tried to control your finances by working harder, worrying more, or nagging family members about their spending. 

Did any of that eliminate your insecurity?

Say you tried to control your son’s grades by yelling, punishing, or standing over him while he did homework. 

Did any of that reduce your embarrassment?  Or just create more tension and conflict?

If your honest answer to this second question is Yes, terrific.  Problem solved.  Keep doing what you’re doing.

But your answer is No, it’s probably time for a less controlling solution.

 

(3) What can I do instead?

Here the trick is to remember that there are three alternatives to control: surrender, responsibility and intimacy.

Surrender (or detachment) means giving up the attempt to control what can’t be controlled anyway.

Responsibility means shifting your focus from externals to internals — from people/place/things to how you are reacting to them — and trying to modify your reaction.

And intimacy means being yourself with another person, and allowing them to do the same with you.

I’ve explained what these words mean here, and most fully in my book.

They’re the three healthy alternatives to unhealthy control.