Chapter 56: About self-care
(This chapter is part of a self-assessment. For instructions on completing it, click here.)
[ ] I pay more attention to the needs of others than my own.
[ ] I often overcommit or overextend myself.
[ ] I find it difficult to say No to requests.
[ ] If I want something done right I have to do it myself.
[ ] I feel guilty spending money on myself.
[ ] I feel guilty accepting help.
[ ] I don’t get enough rest.
[ ] I overeat, or eat too much junk food.
[ ] I prefer to deal with my problems by myself.
[ ] I rarely ask for help.
[ ] I suffer from stress-related medical problems – headaches, backaches, gastrointestinal ailments, exhaustion, insomnia, frequent colds, etc..
[ ] I look strong to others, but inside I feel helpless.
[ ] I live on the edge of feeling overwhelmed.
NEXT: About alternatives to control
Chapter 55: About parenting
(This chapter is part of a self-assessment. For instructions on completing it, click here.)
[ ] I am a “helicopter” parent – anxious, hypervigilant, and/or overprotective.
[ ] I worry that my parenting is not good enough.
[ ] If my kids are unhappy, I’m unhappy.
[ ] If my kids are happy, I worry it will end.
[ ] I take my kids’ problems and failures personally.
[ ] I’m reluctant to let my kids make bad choices or learn from their own mistakes.
[ ] I get hurt or enraged when my kids disagree with me or don’t do what I ask.
[ ] When my kids disagree with me it feels like disloyalty or disrespect.
[ ] I criticize my kids in an attempt to be “helpful.”
[ ] I blame, threaten, coerce, beg, bribe, or use guilt to get my kids to comply with my wishes.
[ ] I often feel unappreciated by my children.
[ ] My kids complain that I try to control them.
[ ] I secretly fear that my kids will reject or abandon me.
[ ] I grew up with controlling parents or grandparents.
NEXT: About self-care
Chapter 54: About self-worth
(This chapter is part of a self-assessment. For instructions on completing it, click here.)
[ ] I often fear being judged or rejected.
[ ] I hate making mistakes.
[ ] When I make mistakes, I punish myself.
[ ] I worry a lot about what other people think or feel about me.
[ ] I hunger for acceptance and approval.
[ ] I question whether others love me.
[ ] I question whether I am loveable.
[ ] I worry that I’ll end up alone.
[ ] I get artificial feelings of self-worth from helping or rescuing others.
[ ] I am burdened by shoulds.
[ ] I am extremely sensitive to criticism.
[ ] I criticize myself constantly.
[ ] I take everything personally.
[ ] I blame myself for everything.
[ ] I apologize when there’s really no need to.
[ ] I dismiss or reject compliments and praise.
[ ] I have a hard time making decisions.
[ ] I can’t believe others can ever accept me as I am.
NEXT: About parenting
Chapter 53: About defenses
(This chapter is part of a self-assessment. For instructions on completing it, click here.)
[ ] I worry a lot.
[ ] I tend to expect the worst.
[ ] I spend a lot of time imagining how other people see me.
[ ] I often accept others’ view of me as my own.
[ ] I hide the parts of me I think others will reject.
[ ] I tend to obsess about problems.
[ ] I often pretend some of my most serious problems don’t exist.
[ ] I am uneasy around authority figures – teachers, bosses, cops, doctors, therapists.
[ ] Certain people or situations can trigger me into a panic.
[ ] Despite all evidence to the contrary, I tend to believe that if I try hard enough and long enough I really can get control.
NEXT: About self-worth
Chapter 52: About addictions
(This chapter is part of a self-assessment. For instructions on completing it, click here.)
[ ] I have used alcohol to manage feelings.
[ ] I have used drugs to manage feelings.
[ ] I have used food to manage feelings.
[ ] I smoke or have smoked.
[ ] I often overwork or am compulsively busy.
[ ] I often get lost scrolling on my cell phone.
[ ] I use tv, video games or browsing on my computer to escape.
[ ] I am addicted to social media.
[ ] I am addicted to tv news.
[ ] I have to follow my routine or I get anxious.
[ ] I engage in other compulsive behavior that I see as problematic but cannot stop.
[ ] I understand that all addictions are an attempt to control feelings.
NEXT: About defenses
Chapter 51: About feelings
(This chapter is part of a self-assessment. For instructions on completing it, click here.)
[ ] I live in my head.
[ ] “How do you feel?” sounds like a trick question to me.
[ ] I have trouble knowing what I feel.
[ ] I have trouble expressing what I feel.
[ ] My own feelings scare me.
[ ] Other people’s feelings scare me.
[ ] I assume that negative feelings (anxiety, sadness, anger, confusion) mean I’m doing
something wrong.
[ ] I’m afraid if I let my anger out I may hurt someone.
[ ] I’m afraid if I start crying I won’t be able to stop.
[ ] I blame other people for how I feel.
[ ] My feelings make me wonder if I’m sick or crazy.
NEXT: About addictions
Chapter 50: About caretaking
(This chapter is part of a self-assessment. For instructions on completing it, click here.)
[ ] I am drawn to needy or unhappy people.
[ ] Needy or unhappy people are drawn to me.
[ ] I feel responsible for the happiness of others.
[ ] I tend to anticipate other people’s needs.
[ ] It bothers me that other people don’t anticipate my needs more.
[ ] I feel anxious or guilty when someone else has a problem.
[ ] I feel compelled to help others with their problems, even when they don’t want me to.
[ ] I feel angry when my help isn’t welcomed.
[ ] I feel angry when my help isn’t effective.
[ ] I feel compelled to offer unsolicited opinions or advice.
[ ] I pay more attention to the needs and feelings of others than my own.
[ ] I feel selfish if I prioritize my needs and feelings over someone else’s.
[ ] I feel bored, empty or worthless when I’m not helping someone.
[ ] I feel safest when giving.
[ ] I feel embarrassed or unworthy when others give to me.
[ ] I end up resenting the people I caretake.
NEXT: About feelings
Chapter 49: About people-pleasing
(This chapter is part of a self-assessment. For instructions on completing it, click here.)
[ ] I pride myself on being a nice person.
[ ] I believe that I should always be nice.
[ ] I find it hard to reject another person no matter how much they may deserve it.
[ ] I probably go overboard in doing nice things for other people.
[ ] It’s much easier for me to acknowledge negative feelings about myself than to express negative feelings toward others.
[ ] When problems arise in my relationship I assume that I’m to blame.
[ ] I really believe that nice people get the approval, affection and friendship of others.
[ ] I don’t think it’s nice to express anger towards others.
[ ] I feel guilty if I get angry or upset with people I love.
[ ] I’m afraid that if I’m not nice to others I will be ignored, rejected or punished in some way.
[ ] I believe I should always be nice, even if it means allowing others to take advantage of
my good nature.
[ ] Being nice and doing things to please others is my way of protecting myself from
rejection, disapproval and abandonment.
[ ] I tend confuse guilt (the belief that I’ve done something wrong) with anxiety (fear of another’s anger or rejection).
[ ] Sometimes I feel like I need to “buy” love and friendship by doing nice things to please others.
[ ] Often being nice prevents me from expressing my true feelings towards others.
[ ] I believe others would describe me as being polite, pleasant and agreeable.
[ ] I think my friends should like me because of all the nice things I do for them.
[ ] It is hard for me to believe that I can be myself and still be accepted and loved by others.
NEXT: About caretaking
Chapter 48: About relationships
(This chapter is part of a self-assessment. For instructions on completing it, click here.)
[ ] Relationships are difficult for me.
[ ] I have trouble feeling safe or comfortable with other people.
[ ] I worry a lot about what others think of me.
[ ] I find it difficult to trust or confide in others.
[ ] I am more careful than spontaneous in relationships.
[ ] I am a people pleaser.
[ ] I exhaust myself trying to meet others’ expectations.
[ ] I spend too much time with people who do not love, accept, or nurture me.
[ ] I keep letting people hurt me.
[ ] I often feel lonely.
[ ] It often feels easier to be alone.
[ ] I’m never sure how to answer the questions How do I have you without losing me? and
How do I have me without losing you?
[ ] That question makes me realize how much time I’ve spent in monkeyships.
NEXT: About people-pleasing
Chapter 47: About family
(This chapter is part of a self-assessment. For instructions on completing it, click here.)
[ ] I grew up in an alcoholic family.
[ ] I grew up in a family with members who struggled with substance abuse or eating disorders.
[ ] I grew up in a family with members who struggled with mental illness.
[ ] I grew up in a family with members who struggled with chronic illness.
[ ] I grew up in a family where abuse — emotional, physical or sexual — occurred.
[ ] I grew up in a family where feelings were not expressed easily.
[ ] I learned from my family not to expect validation of my feelings.
[ ] My family was dysfunctional, but I pretend otherwise.
[ ] One or both of my parents grew up in dysfunctional families.
[ ] One or both of my parents struggled with depression or anxiety.
[ ] I felt like a disappointment to my parents.
[ ] I felt unloved by my parents.
[ ] As a child I heard more criticism than praise.
[ ] My family discouraged talking about problems.
[ ] Mine was a “looking good” family — we hid our problems from the world.
[ ] My family valued success and punished faillure.
[ ] My parents acted as if my successes and failures were their own.
[ ] My family regarded people who seek therapy as weak.
[ ] I get anxious or defensive if someone suggests my current problems are related to my family.
[ ] When I sought therapy I kept it secret from my family.
NEXT: About relationships
Chapter 46: About boundaries
(This chapter is part of a self-assessment. For instructions on completing it, click here.)
[ ] I tend to please others instead of myself.
[ ] I have trouble saying No to requests or demands.
[ ] I find it hard to not absorb other people’s feelings.
[ ] I feel controlled by other people’s anger.
[ ] I will go out of my way to avoid conflict or disagreement.
[ ] In social situations I scan for danger.
[ ] I have had sex when I didn’t want to.
[ ] I have used sex to appease my partner or avoid conflict.
[ ] It scares me to depend on other people.
[ ] I accept unacceptable behavior.
[ ] I am loyal even when my loyalty is undeserved.
[ ] I interpret rejection as implying something about me, not the rejector.
NEXT: About family
Chapter 45: About emotional problems
(This chapter is part of a self-assessment. For instructions on completing it, click here.)
[ ] I have struggled with anxiety.
[ ] I have struggled with depression.
[ ] I have struggled with substance abuse.
[ ] I tend to forget (or never learned) that anxiety, depression and addiction are all symptoms of emotional constipation — i.e., overcontrolled feelings.
[ ] I struggle with relationships.
[ ] I struggle with parenting.
[ ] I tend to be impatient.
[ ] I am easily frustrated.
[ ] I worry constantly.
[ ] I carry a lot of anger.
[ ] I carry a lot of sadness.
[ ] I often feel insecure or inadequate.
[ ] I don’t sleep well.
[ ] I am often tired.
[ ] I get sick easily.
[ ] I have experienced a panic attack.
[ ] People have told me they experience me as angry, irritable, critical, insensitive or nasty.
[ ] I often feel stressed, pressured or chased.
NEXT: About relationships
Chapter 44: About internal controlling
(This chapter is part of a self-assessment. For instructions on completing it, click here.)
[ ] I am intolerant of my own mistakes, failures and weaknesses.
[ ] I often beat myself up.
[ ] I feel burdened by shoulds.
[ ] I have trouble forgiving myself.
[ ] I tend to be perfectionistic.
[ ] I find it difficult to be spontaneous or playful.
[ ] I often guess at what normal feelings and behavior are.
[ ] I’m secretly proud of how hard I am on myself.
NEXT: About emotional problems
Chapter 43: About external controlling
(This chapter is part of a self-assessment. For instructions on completing it, click here.)
[ ] I avoid new or unfamiliar situations.
[ ] I avoid meeting new people.
[ ] I avoid the unpredictable.
[ ] Disorder and disorganization make me anxious.
[ ] I dislike having to learn anything new.
[ ] I dislike change.
[ ] I get impatient with mistakes, failures and weaknesses in other people.
NEXT: About internal controlling
Steve & Bert
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