Kids + wounds + lessons: An invitation


The way we were treated as small children is the way we treat ourselves the rest of our life.

~ Alice Miller


Dear friends and fellow monkeys,

I’m inviting you to share your responses to an upcoming series of blog posts.

The posts will be about adult children*, which is the subject of a book I’m writing.

The premises of this book are that

1. Every human being carries a child inside them.

2. Every inner child gets wounded.

3. People who bring these wounds into adulthood are what we call adult children.

4. We are all adult children.

5. This means we all carry three kinds of wounds:

~ disorders of identity (confusion about who we are),

~ disorders of feeling (confusion about how to handle our emotional lives), and

~ disorders of relationship (confusion about how to deal with other people).

6. We can heal these wounds by relearning how to be healthy human beings.

Of course, none of these ideas is particularly new.  There’s been a stream of books about inner kids and adult children and emotional healing since the 1970s, many of them excellent. 

But mine (working title: Monkeytraps for Adult Children) will be the first to organize these ideas around the theme of this blog and of all my books: control addiction.

In the coming weeks, I’ll explore them in posts that will eventually become book chapters.

How can you help?

Give me feedback. 

People who work with me or read my first book know what I mean by feedback.  It’s a communication skill I teach in group therapy. 

It’s not just offering opinions, criticism, judgment, diagnosis or advice. 

Instead it’s an attempt to go inside yourself and answer questions like

How do I relate to what I just read? 

What memories came up while I was reading it? 

What was I feeling? 

What am I feeling right now? 

That’s right.  An emotional response, not an intellectual one.

What’s in it for you? 

Several things, I hope. 

Giving feedback can help us identify our own unfinished business and unhealed wounds.

It may even bring long-buried issues and needs into awareness.

It can also help us to identify and express feelings which, if left unaddressed, might cause anxiety, depression or other problems.

Hearing feedback can help reduce a sense of isolation, guilt and shame by illuminating our commonality with others. 

Then too, I’d hope anyone who shares feedback here would derive satisfaction from knowing they contributed to a book whose aim is to help people heal emotional wounds just like theirs.

I’ll publish the first post shortly. 

Please consider joining the conversation.


You can share feedback publicly or privately. 

Public feedback can simply be posted in the Comments section following each blog post. 

Private feedback can be sent to me at



*What’s an adult child?  See “Inner kids and adult children.”

4 responses to “Kids + wounds + lessons: An invitation

  • alisonlowrie

    I am really happy that you have put this post plus feedback together. Your posts always come at an appropriate time to remind me of my progress.
    And need to keep practicing the alternative to control addiction 🙂

  • Yasmine

    Hi Steve: I have so long related to this inner child and use it in my therapy. I access the inner child through creative journaling, visualization, and regression work.
    I had spent many years in psychotherapy and felt „ managed“.. I experienced healing only when I met my inner child and did the work with her.

    • Steve Hauptman

      Thanks, Yasmine.

      Your comment about feeling more “managed” than healed in therapy resonates with me.

      I suppose that’s because I’ve met so many people reporting a similar experience.

      It reminds me of what James Hollis says about the purpose of therapy, that it’s not to make us better adjusted but more ourselves.

      And it reminds me that a therapist who’s skipped over their own inner Kid work simply can’t help us with ours.

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