Wobbly

I’m two days into vacation, and it’s not going well.

When I try to rest I feel guilty.  I’m at home, and I look around and see all the shit that needs to be done.

Then I try doing some of it and end up feeling angry.  I mean, I’m supposed to be on vacation.

All of which reminds me of the Zen proverb:

Sitting,
just sit.
Walking,
just walk.
Above all,
don’t wobble.

Now, I know this.  I know that when you’re not paying full attention you feel fragmented.  That when you’re not where you are, you’re nowhere.

But knowing doesn’t help.  Because I’m also like most people.  I spent my life detached from reality, dwelling not in the moment but in tomorrow (What do I have to do? And when?) or yesterday (What did I forget?).  

Like most people, I spend my life wobbling.

So hard to get in touch with here/now.  To stop doing and just be.

I just installed a mindfulness bell on my computer which rings periodically to remind me to visit here/now.

Every time I hear it I get annoyed.  (Monkey mind hates to be told to shut up.)

But then I stop what I’m doing, close my eyes, breathe in and out three times.

And for just a moment I enter the room I’m already in.  I feel my body, and the air around it, and hear the sounds in that air, and I settle down a little bit, and feel a little less fragmented.

For just a moment, I’m unwobbly.