Power

Second in the series 

Notes on Recovery

*

The goal of recovery is to become powerful.

Powerful, not controlling.

No, they’re not the same thing.

Control means being able to dictate reality. To force life itself — people, places and things — to meet our expectations.

But power means being able to take care of yourself.  To get your needs met without losing yourself in the process.  To not just survive, but to heal, grow and be happy.

They’re not just different, control and power.  Sometimes they’re opposites.

~ Power is a real possibility, where control is often an illusion.

~ Power is healthy, where controlling tends to be  pathological.

~ Power is rooted in self-acceptance and confidence, where controlling grows out of insecurity and fear.

~ Power makes you stronger, where controlling weakens you, can even make you sick.

~ Power attracts people to one another, where  controlling tends to drive them apart.

But the most important difference between them is,

 ~ Power is something only an adult can develop, where controlling is the basic survival skill of a child.

Think about it.  If I’m a kid, I can’t take care of myself.  I need big people for that – to feed me, clothe me, protect me, love me.  Without big people I die.

And because I know this at the deepest level, I learn early on to stay on their good side.  To please and appease them, avoid their anger, meet their expectations.  To be what big people want me to be, instead of who I am.

This is inevitable.  It’s also how control addicts are born.

Because control addicts keep feeling and functioning like kids instead of developing personal power.  They keep pleasing and appeasing and manipulating the way children do.  They never come out of hiding, never learn to be themselves out loud.

Externally they look like adults.  Inside they still feel like kids who need support, approval or permission from big people.

Recovery is about reversing this.

Recovery is about growing up inside.

Next:

Plan B