First in the new series
Notes on Recovery
Control addicts are just like other addicts.
And their recovery starts in the same place.
The lucky ones experience a moment when the pain of their addiction outweighs their fear of giving it up. This moment is called hitting bottom.
But that’s not quite accurate.
Because we don’t hit bottom. Bottom hits us.
Bottom is a realization, not a choice. It’s the end result of a long process, an accumulation of emotional evidence you didn’t even know you were collecting.
It’s like you’ve been piling pennies on one side of a scale. Hitting bottom is that moment when the scale tips, your pain overwhelms your fear, and you suddenly know in your bones I can’t do this anymore.
This happens despite all wishes and explanations to the contrary. Reality forces you to look it in the face and surrender.
It’s an awful moment.
Also a wonderful one.
An experience of both exhaustion and relief.
Because when you finally accept that you can’t control something, you can finally stop trying to.
You can stop asking yourself Should I let go? and Can I let go? and What will happen if I do?
Now only one question matters:
How do I let go?