A note from Bert:
Steve has a cold, and is being a big old baby about it, so instead of writing a new post he told me to republish an old one.
(Personally, I consider it a sign of weakness to give in to cold symptoms. Buck up, man. What will people think?)
Part 4 of “What we mean when we talk about control” will appear next Sunday.
Stay away from germmy people,
How to spot monkeytraps
Steve and Bert wrote this together:)
Steve: Some weeks ago we asked readers to tell us what they most want to learn about control. One of you replied with this:
I like your blog, but it’s a little scary, since before this I had no idea how controlling I am and how many problems it causes me.
What I want now is to learn to be more aware of my controlling, to keep the idea of control at the surface of my mind and to understand how wanting to control things drives how I react and what I do and say.
Got any tips on that?
Bert: Good question.
Steve: Yes. She wants to learn how to spot monkeytraps.
Maybe you should remind everyone what a monkeytrap is.
Steve: In the East they trap monkeys by placing fruit in a weighted jar or bottle with a narrow neck. The monkey smells the fruit, reaches in to grab it, and traps himself by refusing to let go.
A psychological monkeytrap is any situation that triggers you into compulsive controlling — i.e., into holding on when you really should be letting go.
Bert: And yes, we have tips on how to spot them.
Steve: Here’s tip #1:
Notice where you’re uncomfortable.
We’re controlling whenever we need or want to change some piece of reality (instead of accepting it as it is). And we’re most likely to want to change realities that make us uncomfortable. So it makes sense that our discomfort zones are where we’re most likely to get monkeytrapped.
Bert: I, for example, can’t stand rejection. So it’s with people I think might reject me that I tend to be most controlling. I do it in all sorts of ways: hide feelings I think will upset them, pretend to agree when I really don’t, laugh at stupid jokes, avoid confronting behavior I dislike, try to read their minds, and so on.
Steve: Tip #2:
Notice where you’re stuck.
Stuck as in not learning, healing or growing — struggling with the same damn problem over and over again.
Bert: Same example. Working hard at controlling people’s reactions to me is a monkeytrap because it (a) stops me from being myself, which (b) prevents me from ever getting accepted as myself, which (c) keeps me chronically scared of rejection. In short, a merry-go-round.
Steve: Right. You know you’re monkeytrapped whenever you find yourself doing, over and over and over again, what doesn’t work.
And why do you? That brings us to Tip #3:
Notice where you’re scared.
Unhealthy controlling is driven by anxiety. We stay monkeytrapped because we’re scared to do anything else. Often even the thought of giving up control in such situations is enough to scare us silly.
Bert: Like me telling my mother-in-law her breath stinks.
Steve: Uh, yeah. Good example.
So if you want to spot where you’re compulsively controlling, look for the three clues: discomfort, stuckness, and fear.
Check out Marc MacYoung’s article “Monkey trap: Staying human (and rational) in conflict,” which is about conflict resolution.