Category Archives: pathologies of control
Control addicts
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Here are the three things you need to know about shame:
We all have it.
We’re all terrified to talk about it.
The less we talk about it the more we have it.
~ From Part 1 of a PBS interview of Dr. Brene Brown (4:56).
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Q: You say that shame leads to disconection. So how do we reconnect?
A: You know, it’s funny.
One of the ironies is that shame fills us with this fear of disconnection.
But it is our imperfection that connects us to each other. It is the fact that our shared humanity is imperfect.
I think if we can find the courage to talk about our lives honestly, and our struggles, not only does that free us, it gives other people the freedom to be more authentic and real as well.
I don’t think connection is possible without authenticity.
~ From Part 2 of a PBS interview of Dr. Brene Brown (5:31).
The split-level relationship
There are two questions with which you must struggle if you want a healthy relationship:
How can I have you without losing me?
How can I have me without losing you?
You can’t really answer these questions, just struggle with them.
But it’s the struggling that matters.
Why?
Because they represent two essential needs each of us brings to any relationship:
Connection and freedom.
Acceptance by another person, and self-acceptance.
A real partner, and at the same time, a real self.
Most people I know are convinced you can’t have both at the same time.
Most came from families — alcoholic, abusive or otherwise dysfunctional — unable to teach them to balance connection with freedom.
What they learned instead was that having one meant losing the other. That winning love and approval from parents, for example, meant sacrificing important parts of themselves, like the freedom to express feelings or take care of their own needs.
The family that raised us is where each of us learned our own personal answer to the two questions. And the answer we learned grew into a crucial (though mostly unconscious) part of our basic view of life and relationships, what I call our Plan A.
Some of us decide, “Since I can’t have both, I’ll have me, and to hell with you.” Shrinks call this the narcissistic answer.
Others decide, “Since I can’t have both, I’ll have you, and to hell with me.” This is the infamous codependent answer.
So the narcissistic partner says “Me first,” and the codependent replies, “Yes, dear.”
And the two personality types end up together with stunning regularity. (Remember Archie and Edith Bunker?)
Watching such couples interact, one is struck by their predictability. In every situation the narcissist finds some way to say “Me first,” and the codependent to reply “Yes, dear.” It’s as if long ago they sat down and signed a contract.
Which in a way they did.
Their complementary answers to the two questions probably account, in large part, for why they felt attracted to each other.
In any case, the vast majority of couples I see for couples counseling follow this pattern — so many that I felt the need to give them their own name.
I call them split-level relationships.
Split-level relationships work for a while, but almost always break down. Eventually one or both partners realize they’re not getting what they need.
Codependents usually notice first. When that partner is female this can lead to the syndrome called the Walk-Away Wife.
But narcissists tend to be unhappy too. They often complain of loneliness, lack of connection to their codependent partner, or an absence of respect or affection. They may feel impatient, frustrated, irritated, resentful. Sometimes they drink, drug, overeat, rage or cheat, and then feel bad about that.
All this happens because split-level relationship is inherently unhealthy.
Familiar, sure. Comfortable, even, in the way the predictable may come to feel.
But not healthy. The unbalanced answers on which a split-level relationship is based simply cannot fill the emotional needs of two adults. So both partners end up feeling deprived, often without understanding why.
What does recovery for such a couple look like?
Put simply, a sort of role reversal.
Codependent partners must develop courage and practice standing up, asserting themselves. Narcissistic partners must develop empathy and practice stepping down, giving instead of grabbing.
Easy? No. Not easy for either of them.
Just necessary to life on the same level.
Addict
(Bert speaking.)
I’ve been addicted to control for as long as I can remember.
That is, for as long as I can remember I’ve been trying to force reality — people, places, things, even myself — to match the pictures in my head of how I want reality to be.
I do this constantly.
I do it unconsciously. Which means I usually don’t know when I’m doing it.
And I do it compulsively. Which means I get really really anxious when I can’t get control.
I expect to stay an addict until I die.
Yes, I’m in recovery. But that just means I’m less controlled by my need for control than I used to be, just as recovering alcoholics are less controlled by their need to drink. They’ll always be alcoholics, though, and I’ll always be a control addict.
I’ll always feel this urge to control stuff. Even when I know it’s crazy to try.
It’s crazy, I’ve learned, because control is largely an illusion.
Sure, it’s not always an illusion. If I pour sugar in my coffee the coffee gets sweeter. If I pull the steering wheel to the right my car will reliably turn right.
But the world is larger than sugar and steering wheels. And the truth is that, beyond these concrete ways of changing my immediate circumstances, much of my controlling operates more on the level of wishful thinking.
Why? Because most of my controlling is an attempt to control feelings and relationships.
And feelings have no steering wheel. And in relationships sugar doesn’t always work.
Let me explain.
Say I have a feeling I don’t want. Say I feel inadequate. But it’s uncomfortable to feel that, and I also worry that if you see that I feel inadequate you may agree with me, which would make me feel worse. So I hide my feeling, from you and from myself. I work hard at presenting myself as adequate, even superior. (For an example, see “Bert’s mask.”) And let’s say it works: I convince you I’m superior. I have successfully controlled your perception of me.
Do I feel better?
Not so much.
At least, not for long. Why? Because I know it’s an act, a pretense. I’ve basically fooled you about me, and I can’t forget that. So whatever approval I get from you is essentially meaningless. And I end up feeling both inadequate and phony.
See how that works?
Another example:
Say I’m mad at you, but afraid to show it. I’m scared you might get mad back at me, which would make me unhappy.
So I hide my anger from you. I bury it.
But overcontrolling feelings tends to be bad for me. Feelings are meant to be expressed, not contained. Released, not stored up. So burying my anger makes me uncomfortable. Constipated. Pressured. Uneasy. Anxious. And when I do it long and habitually enough, I get depressed. I.e., chronically unhappy.
How’s that for irony?
Why doesn’t control work better in the realms of feeling and relationships?
Because at the heart of this addiction lies an annoying but inescapable paradox:
The more control I need, the less in control I feel.
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Good dog
Alone in the kitchen, running late. I’m nuking coffee for my travel mug when it occurs to me that my car’s out of gas and I haven’t left myself enough time to buy more.
I get angry.
“Shit, ” I say to myself. “Stupid. Stupid.”
“No, no,” another voice answers.
“You thought about this,” it says. “Last night 0n the drive home. You weighed the pros and cons and decided you were too tired to stop. Remember?”
I remember. My anger at myself fades.
End of story.
Why tell you this?
Because I found it remarkable.
Last year I published a post here which began,
I’d like to introduce you to my dog.
Please look down.
You’ll find him attached to my ankle.
Titled ”Bert’s dog” (and accompanied by the disturbing illustration below)
, it went on to describe that part of me a Gestaltist would call my Top Dog, and other shrinky types might label my Inner Critic or Punitive Superego.
You know the part I mean. You’ve got one yourself.
It’s that inner voice that knows each of your faults and weaknesses and never lets you forget them.
The part which pretends it’s protecting you or moving your forward when actually it’s just making you hate yourself.
The part that behaves as if relentless self-criticism somehow gives you more control of your life instead of making you feel more and more helpless.
That part.
Anyway, I wrote about how I call mine Dog for short, how he’s scared and tortured me my whole life, and how I learned to live with him over the past six decades.
The post ended,
So. What to do with a dog like this?
Well, it helps me a lot to remember what I’ve learned about him. That Dog isn’t me, just the scared worried part. That he’s unappeasable, and that he lies, and that he’ll say or do anything to survive.
All this gives me some distance from his voice. It means when he starts growling I can say “Oh, you again. Shut up,” instead of taking him too seriously.
Which is just what I did in the kitchen this morning.
I found it remarkable because for so long — despite everything I tell clients and everything I tell myself – I was never entirely sure it would happen: that I’d actually outgrow the abusive voice that’s dogged me since childhood and replace it with a kinder, gentler inner parent.
Realizing that I had, standing there by the microwave, felt like a cool breeze on a hot day.
And the microwave’s bing sounded like music.
You, too, can train your Dog.
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Self–talk refers to the dialogue that goes on inside your head when faced with conflict or life challenges or even simple day-to-day concerns.
This aspect of yourself has a running commentary about everything you do. It never lets anything go by with out some comment, remark or evaluation.
Becoming aware of this process is the 
first step in taking charge of this part of yourself that can create a lot of unnecessary stress.
The automatic reactions you have to this constant barrage of negative thoughts, judgments and evaluations can keep you feeling stressed and less able to meet life’s challenges.
~ From Self-talk and stress at lifematters.com
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I never dreamed that there’s a possibility of stopping until my teacher told me that I could stop.
I thought something would have to descend on me. Or there would have to be a level of purification. Or there would have to be some alignment of the planets….
But he said, “Forget all that — that’s part of the conversation.
“Just stop right now. Just be still.”
~ From Silencing the mind by Gangaji (1:54).
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You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own.
And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go…
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You’ll Go!
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postscript:
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Hang a left
It’s her first appointment, and she’s crying.
“I feel so stuck,” she says.
I pass the tissues. “How so?” I ask.
She tells me.
Her husband bowls every Wednesday, golfs weekends, watches tv each night until bed. Never talks to her, never compliments her, hasn’t taken her out to dinner in years. Expects sex regardless.
“Regardless of what?” I ask.
“How I feel about it,” she says.
She has two teenagers, whom she serves as cook, laundress, chambermaid, tutor, therapist, referee and chauffeur. On Mother’s Day they gave her a World’s Greatest Mom card from Wal-Mart, then spent the day with friends.
Her parents are in from Florida. They visit frequently without asking, stay a week at a time, and criticize everything from her haircut to her parenting. (I jot critical parents on a mental note card, file it away for a later session.)
Her best friend is recently divorced, and calls her nightly either to exult or to mourn her new freedom, depending on how her last date went. (“And do you ever call her?” “What for?” she asks, without irony.)
Her mood’s been sliding downhill for years. She sleeps badly. Feels tired. Feels alone. Feels sad. Cries.
“Ever take a day off?” I ask.
“No.”
“Ever take a nap?”
“No.”
“Have any hobbies?”
“No.”
“Have any friends or family who aren’t totally self-involved?”
She half-smiles. “No.”
“Ever tried therapy?”
“I didn’t see how it could help,” she says. “Can it?”
“Yes,” I say.
“How?” she asks.
“By teaching you to drive,” I say.
She looks puzzled.
“Imagine someone who learned to drive a car without ever being taught how to make a left turn. So whenever they go out all they can do is turn right. What would happen to them?”
She frowns. “They’d go in a circle.”
“Exactly. That’s what you’re doing now.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Think of all the choices you make in a day. Now think of each choice as a fork in the road. When you put others first, you turn right. When you put yourself first, you turn left.
“When was the last time you made a left turn?”
Her eyes widen. She thinks.
“I don’t make those,” she says finally.
“Right,” I say. “You’re driving in circles. It’s why you feel stuck.”
“And therapy can teach me to turn left?”
I nod. I’m expecting the next question.
“But isn’t that selfish?”
“Yes,” I said. “What’s your objection to selfishness?”
I’ve asked that question hundreds of times. No one has a good answer.
“It’s just…bad.”
“That’s what everyone says,” I say. “I suppose some believe it. But most people use it to convince others to put them first. The most selfish people I know tend to be the first to condemn selfishness in others.
“Me, I think of it as a survival skill. Selfishness is essential, at least some of the time. If you don’t take care of yourself, who will?”
“Well, this isn’t working.” She blows her nose. “I guess I should hang a left once in a while. But my family won’t like it.”
“Probably not. You’ll have to train them.”
“How?”
“We’ll talk details later. But it amounts to putting yourself first and letting them adapt to it.”
“And that works?”
“Sure,” I said. ”Look how well it’s worked for your husband, your kids and your parents.”
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Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin as self-neglecting.
~ Shakespeare, Henry V
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Some of us give because we can’t not give. It’s our way of getting by in the world.
At least if I give, the thinking goes, others will like me. Better yet, they may even come to need me. Then I won’t be so alone in the world.
Giving becomes a kind of barter to belong — a bid for love, rather than an expression of it.
~ From “Healthy selfishness” at daily.om.
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I think it unhealthy to not know the things you like and the things you want.
I think if you do not allow yourself to know them and to exercise adequate levels of self-care by satisfying those wants and needs in ways that make you feel good you will find unhealthy and unsatisfying behaviors that you do in order to be safe.
The relationship will become toxic and cycle through predictable patterns of acting out, failure and disappointment.
Selfish behaviors that take advantage of or hurt someone else are not what I am describing. Behaviors that are done in service of the health of the self are self-ish.
~ From “The concept of healthy selfishness in therapy” by Brett Newcomb.
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The Uncomfort Zone
There’s a place in your life that’s neither light nor dark, warm nor cold, where things don’t quite work but where you stay because it’s familiar.
You stay because you know this place like the back of your hand, every dark corner, every lump in the carpet, every draft.
You stay because you can find your away around it with your eyes closed. Which, in fact, is just what you do.
There’s pain here, but it’s the dull, tolerable kind. The kind you know well. The kind you’ve known forever. The kind you cling to rather than risk something worse.
That’s the signpost up ahead.
Next stop: the Uncomfort Zone.
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Albert, 58, has been married three times. His first two marriages ended in acrimonious divorce. His third marriage is two years old, and his wife recently ended their couples counseling in tearful frustration. Albert continues in therapy without her. He reports their life has deteriorated into a series of hurtful arguments alternating with long silences. Last week she told him she’d leave if she had someplace to go. I ask how he thinks our work together is going. “Really well,” he says. “It’s very interesting. I feel like I’m learning a lot.”
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Barry, 38, sits on my sofa with his wife Beth. They are new clients. I ask why they’ve come. Beth tells me Barry’s individual therapist thinks couples work is necessary. “What led you to individual therapy?” I ask Barry. He frowns. “I have issues,” he says. “You drink, and you play video games, and that’s all you do,” the wife says. Barry frowns harder. “Do you have a problem with alcohol?” I ask Barry. “I have issues,” he repeats. The wall appears impenetrable. After twenty minutes I suggest Barry wait outside while I talk to Beth alone. He brightens, stands and walks quickly to the door. Then he turns back to his wife. “Can I borrow your iPad?” he asks.
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Carly, 43 and a social worker, is more depressed this week than last. Last week she was more depressed than the week before. This slide began last year, with her transfer out of the counseling job she loved into an administrative job she hates, under a supervisor she considers an idiot. Now she visits her doctor monthly to request tweaks of her medication. Asked what’s depressing her, she shrugs: “No idea.” I tell her that I think what she needs is work — real, meaningful work she enjoys, that brings out the best in her and makes her feel valuable. I suggest she network, go on interviews, or consider private practice. I also suggest she pursue the hobbies – cooking, dancing, yoga — she once used to feed and express herself. She shakes her head. “I’m too tired for any of that now,” she sighs. “I need to save my energy for the stupid job.”
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Debbie, 23, is crying. “You don’t love me,” she tells her boyfriend David, who’s sitting beside her on my sofa looking miserable. After three months of Debbie complaining of his silence and begging him to be more open with her, David has finally risked telling her about something he dislikes in their relationship. “I’m not good with words,” he said. “We never talked in my family. So when I try I get nervous. I’m scared to hurt your feelings. And the more you push me to talk, the scareder I get.” “Good for you, David,” I say. “I know how hard that was.” Debbie wipes her nose with a tissue. “So you don’t really love me,” she repeats.
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Eddie, 42, is angry at his son Evan. “Everything scares him,” he tells me. “He’s scared to go to school. Scared he’ll fail Math. Scared to try out for teams. Scared to ask a girl out. What the fuck?” He shakes his head. I ask what happens when he tries to talk to Evan, who’s 15. “What do you think?” Eddie snorts. ”He acts scared of me.” I ask what Evan’s fear looks like. “He sort of shrinks into himself. Gets quiet. Avoids eye contact. I can tell he just wants me to shut up and leave him alone.” “How’s that make you feel?” I ask. “Furious,” Eddie says. “I’m his father. I’m trying to help him.” “And what do you say?” I ask. “I say, ‘I’m your father. I’m trying to help you. What the fuck?’”
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We read the world wrong and say that it deceives us. ~ Rabindrath Tagore
I’ve heard someone say that our problems aren’t the problem; it’s our solutions that are the problem. ~ Anne Lamott
When the only tool you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. ~ Abraham Maslow
Only a concerted effort to sort out the specific nature of our personal programming can offer hope of change, of new choices. ~ James Hollis
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them. ~ Albert Einstein
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Overheard at the House:
I’m probably addicted to control too. The way I’ve attempted to control things is to pull further and further within myself and my own world. I got hurt at work. Now I don’t work. I got hurt by friends. Now I don’t have friends. I’m hurt by family. So, I’m very careful when I’m with them. But, I don’t feel safer. I can’t control myself. Now, I’m with myself more than ever before! I don’t think I thought that through…
Monkey House.
Click here ^
and join the conversation.
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Coming soon:
From the monkeys who brought you
Bert’s Therapy, The Tribe and Monkey House,
a new cartoon strip about secret thoughts:
The Dark
The tribe: Expectations
Most people feel anxious in group without really understanding why.
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Personally I think it’s because, on some deep level, the group reminds us of our family of origin.
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And we expect it to treat us just as our family did.
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So tell me. If this group were your family, what would you be expecting now?
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To get hit.
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To get humiliated.
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To be told to shut up.
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To be ignored.
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Pink? What would you expect?
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All of the above.
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Jeez.
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So you all have good reason to feel anxious in this room.
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But I have to ask Pink:
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How’d you work up the courage to even come here?
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Two beers, half a pizza, and a Vicodin.
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Group therapy.
In Hebrew.
“Hello, this is Fear Management.
“My name is Moni, and I too have a phobia.
“I have a fear of shouting.
“You know, a, h, h, h, exclamantion mark, ‘ahhh’!
“At this point I suggest we all tell about ourselves…”
Excerpt from the Israeli TV show “Ktzarim”: Five troubled people (that description includes the group leader) meet for group therapy. In Hebrew with English subtitles (2:22).
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Overheard at the House:
Eventually, and every time, I used to drive my current partner insane with my hang ups and he broke off the relationship….
So I decided only I could change and needed to put my – sorry to be blunt – infantile behaviour aside and choose blind trust, no matter the outcome….
Result: I came to accept that my life is my life and not dependent on anyone else for survival or safety – and in a way I was going to be alone, with or without a partner: it’s part of the human condition….
Come.
Join the conversation.
Monkey House.
Because we’re all monkeys on this bus.
The Tribe: Validation
You all know me, but not each other. So let’s find out what you’re doing here.
Why did each of you join this group?
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Come on, be honest. Why are you here?
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It was your idea.
It was your idea.
It was your idea.
It was your idea.
It was your idea.
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My idea? That’s the reason?
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Pretty much.
Pretty much.
Pretty much.
Pretty much.
Pretty much.
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Hm.
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Well, needing to please your therapist isn’t very therapeutic. Maybe we should rethink this.
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What if we cancel group? How would you feel?
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Come on, be brave. How would you feel about stopping right now?
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Yippee.
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Yes. Yippee.
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Yippee also.
Me too.
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Ditto.
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Huh. Now you’re all smiling.
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You better be careful.
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Someone might mistake you for a group.
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About validation
One of the most important emotional skills is the skill of validation.
It is a skill because it can be learned.
Whether it is or ever will be part of the academic or corporate measures of emotional intelligence, I really don’t know.
But I do know that if you want to have better relationships with people, the skill of emotional validation is extremely useful.
The relationship will be better because with more validation you are going to have less debating, less conflicts, and less disagreement. You will also find that validation opens people up and helps them feel free to communicate with you.
In fact, if there is a communication breakdown, if there is a wall between you and someone else, it probably has been built with the bricks of invalidation.
Validation is the means of chipping away at the wall and opening the free flow of communication.
~ From “Emotional validation: Introduction” at EQI.org.
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Visited
Monkey House
yet?
No?
What are you waiting for?
What’s Monkey House? Read this.
Then click here to join the conversation. (Go to ”Do you need to register a new member?” at the top.)
We’re asking, “What’s the most difficult control issue you’re facing now?“
A recent exchange:
Hi Bert and Members,
Cutting through the fear barrier of speaking out. Here goes:
My control issue: wanting validation as a person, in an individual sense.
Always, no matter what the situation, I’m pushed to the outer, disregarded, invalidated and not included, the invisible factor engulfs. As much as I try, 30+ years of trying, same result. I can do my job, very well if I may say so myself, and yet everything/everyone stays out of arm’s reach to the point of utter loneliness. 
Thanks Bert And Steve. After reading your blog for nearly 6 months, I’ve become aware of how the issue of control infiltrates so many aspect of our lives while recognizing both the healthy and unhealthy aspects of control. 
Hey, David. Thanks for cutting through.
Odd you should mention validation. That just happens to be the title of our next Monkeytraps post (due Sunday 5/13.) It’s also a subject on which we both have thoughts.
Steve: The need for validation is legitimate, inescapable, and the biggest damn monkeytrap I know, since it forces us to try — endlessly and in countless ways, not always conscious or healthy — to get what we need from other people. And as with most forms of control, the more of it you need, the less you seem to get. It’s also why having at least one reasonably healthy relationship is more or less essential to happiness.
Bert: God, I hate needing validation. I grew up hungry for it, so hungry that I used to avoid relationships just to avoid being disappointed. That didn’t work, of course, since it was like starving myself in order to avoid food poisoning. Eventually I had to take the risk again with people. A pain in the ass, people, but also the only game in town.
Bert’s therapy: Feeding Felicia
So. I gave Felicia the cookie.
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Ah. Left it on her pillow?
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And flew away, as you suggested.
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And?
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And she came and asked why I did it.
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What did you say?
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“I wanted to.”
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Good answer.
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Apparently. She hugged me.
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Good job.
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It was just a cookie.
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No, it was a course correction. You feel you two moving in a new direction now?
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Yeah. How do I keep it going?
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Keep feeding her.
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Cookies?
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No, no. Emotional feeding.
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With what?
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Well, there are four foods we need from our important relationships.
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Attention, acceptance, appreciation and affection.
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And if we don’t get that stuff regularly…
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We starve.
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Okay. I fed her attention with the cookie. How can I show acceptance?
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Name something she does that she knows annoys you.
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Watches reality tv.
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Huh. That’s a tough one.
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Why? What are you suggesting?
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Sit and watch with her.
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Holy mother of God.
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Not for long. Ten minutes.
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You’re kidding, right? “The Kardashians”?
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(Shivers.)
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bert16
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Neverthless. Do it for the marriage.
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I’m not sure any marriage is worth it.
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Now, now. Just once. Treat it like an experiment.
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Okay. (Gulps.) I’ll try.
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Good man. Be brave. Be curious.
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Can I be drunk?
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* * *
Be the change that you want to see
Don’t forget that pride
always goes before the fall
And nobody is free
till there’s freedom for all
As you sow so shall you reap
Be the change that you want to see
Be the change that you want to see
~ Kat Edmondson, Be the change (4:07)
Bert’s therapy: Gorilla warfare
Felicia’s pissed at me.
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What about?
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I’m not really sure.
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therapist-2
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Monday she said I don’t make enough money.
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th
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Tuesday she complained I’m not home enough.
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therapist-4
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Wednesday she called me an “uninvolved father.”
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therapist-5
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Thursday she called me a slob.
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Sounds confusing.
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Bet your ass.
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How did you respond?
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Well, let’s see. Tuesday I went in and asked my boss for a raise.
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therapist-8
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Wednesday I came home early with flowers.
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therapist-9
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Thursday I helped Junior with his science project.
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therapist-10
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And Friday I did two loads of laundry and cleaned the bathroom.
1
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Did it work?
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No. Now she tells me I’m fat. What’s going on here?
1
23
Gorilla warfare.
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Don’t you mean “guerilla” warfare?
1
No, gorilla. It’s a control thing. Your two inner monkeys are battling it out.
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bert-14
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Happens all the time in split-level relationships.*
1
2*What’s this? Click here.
3
bert-14
1
One partner seeks satisfaction by complaining or making endless demands on the other.
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bert-15
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The other seeks relief by trying to appease the first. But it never works.
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Why not?
Because they’re ignoring the real problem, whatever that is. Pretty common in couples who haven’t learned to talk to each other.
1
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Well, I hate feeling beat up. What can I do?
1
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Less.
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Meaning…
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Give up control. Stop appeasing her.
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She’ll get angry.
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She’s already angry. Same result, less work.
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Okay. Anything else?
1
Give up control in another way. Ask what she’s really angry about.
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1
She may not know at first. That’s fine. Be patient. Be curious. Be brave. Keep asking.
2
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That I can’t do.
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Why not?
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She might actually tell me.
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Oh. Well, in that case…
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1
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There’s always Weight Watchers.
1
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* * *
The term control has come to have a negative connotation.
People are not supposed to control, dominate, exploit, or manipulate each other. We are told to accept others and to take responsibility for our own needs.
This popular philosophy, although having a certain validity, violates an important human truth.
People require a certain minimum of staisfaction to make a relationship tolerable. They also require a certain minumum of control.
Individuals need to have a way of asserting their needs, making complaints, bringing issues of concern to their partners’ attention, correcting problems, and in general getting through to and having an effect on their partners if their relationships are to be viable.
~ Daniel B. Wile, Couples therapy: A nontraditional approach (John Wiley & Sons, 1981).
* * *
Hey. You. We’re waiting.
The first-ever Bert Mug Contest is completing its second week..
And we’ve co
llected some pretty cool entries so far.
But we’re still waiting for yours.
Come on, already.
Send us your caption about control addiction.
Not only will all entrants get a chance to own a Bert Mug, but they’ll also be the first to hear of all new Monkeytraps projects — like the forthcoming 6-part Monkeytraps 101: Bert’s Crash Course in Control.
To enter the contest, just
(1) Join the Monkeytraps mailing list by sending us an email at fritzfreud@aol.com with the word SUBSCRIBE in the subject line. Include your name too, so we know who to credit with such cleverness.
(2) In the same email, suggest a caption for the Bert Mug.
If you’ve already sent us a caption, well, send another.
Stop pretending you have more important stuff to do.
Bert’s therapy: Leashed
There’s something I don’t understand about control addiction.
1
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3
What’s that?
1
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You say everyone is addicted to control?
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Right.
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Doesn’t that mean this “addiction” is really just human nature?
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Well, I’m not sure what “human nature” means. So I’d put it differently.
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bert
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It’s perfectly normal for human beings to be addicted to control. It just isn’t healthy.
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“Normal” and “healthy” aren’t the same thing?
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Oh no. How many normal people do you know?
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Lots.
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And how many healthy people do you know?
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Hm. I take your point.
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therapist-7
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But I still don’t see what’s “normal” about being a control addict.
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Do you ever worry about the future?
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Of course.
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You’re addicted. Do you ever fret over the past?
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Sure.
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You’re addicted. Ever hide your feelings for fear of how others might react?
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All the time.
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You’re addicted. Ever worry about whether people will like or love or accept you?
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Constantly.
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You’re addicted. Ever lie, or manipulate, or distort the truth to get what you want?
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Okay, I get it.
1
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Ever avoid annoying people or uncomfortable situations?
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I said, I get it.
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Ever plan? Strategize? Analyze? Fantasize? Agonize? Dream? Ruminate? Obsess?
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You can stop now.
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Just making my point. Controlling is so utterly ordinary that most of the time we barely notice we’re doing it.
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bert-16
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Until it traps us, that is.
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And how does it trap us?
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Have you ever walked six dogs at the same time?
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No.
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You set out thinking that you’re walking them. But before long you realize the dogs are walking you.
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Meaning…
1
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Whatever we try to control controls us. And the more controlling you are, the more out of control you feel.
1
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35
* * *
Make other people do what you want them to do.
Make them behave as you think they should. Don’t let them behave in ways you think they shouldn’t, but probably would without your “assistance.” Force life’s events to unravel and unfold in the manner and at such times as you have designated. Do not let what’s happening, or what might happen, occur. Hold on tightly and don’t let go. We have written the play, and we will see to it that the actors behave and the scenes unfold exactly as we have decided they should. Never mind that we continue to buck reality. If we charge ahead insistently enough, we can (we believe) stop the flow of life, transform people, and change things to our liking.
We are fooling ourselves.
~ Melody Beattie, Codependent no more
* * *
Not recommended.
Enter yet?
The first-ever Bert Mug Contest is in full swing.
So send us your caption already.
Funny, philosophical, profound, superficial, silly, salacious, we don’t care.
Not only will all entrants get a chance to own an authentic Bert Mug, but they’ll also be the very first we notify of all new Monkeytraps projects — like (TA DA) the forthcoming 6-part Monkeytraps 101: Bert’s Crash Course in Control.
To enter the contest, merely
(1) Sign up for the Monkeytraps mailing list by sending us an email at fritzfreud@aol.com with the word SUBSCRIBE in the subject line.
(2) In the same email, suggest a caption for the Bert Mug. Make it cute.
Submit once. Submit twice. Hell, submit daily. We’ve cleared our schedule for this.
Bert’s therapy: Bull — chapter two
(If you’re new to Monkeytraps, Steve is a therapist who specializes in control issues, and Bert is his control-addicted inner monkey.
“Bert’s therapy” is the session-by-session saga of a control addict trying to learn healthier alternatives.
If you missed it, here’s Bull — chapter one.)
***
11
1
bert
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Remember when I complimented you on developing some empathy?
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Yeah.
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I may have spoken too soon.
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What the hell is “empathy,” anyway?
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Awareness of another person’s feelings.
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And I lack that.
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Apparently. But it’s not your fault.
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bert.
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You’re a man. Most men are trained to be emotional dunderheads.
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“Dunderhead”?
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Emotionally stupid.
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How does that happen?
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Well, we teach men to ignore or hide their feelings…
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bert
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…so they can go to war and go to work and do other stuff that feelings tend to interfere with.
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Because big boys don’t cry.
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Exactly.
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bert 10
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And once you lose touch with your own feelings…
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bert (11)
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…it’s hard to be sensitive to anyone else’s.
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Like a wife’s.
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Yes.
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So she’s right. I am insensitive to her feelings.
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So it would seem.
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Now I feel like a jerk.
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I wouldn’t say that. Just think of yourself as…
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bert (15)
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…a bull in a china shop.
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(To be continued.)
x
x
* * *
Want more?
Having spent half his life trying to find fulfillment outside himself, he awakens to discover that it has not worked. For the first time in his life, a man may turn inward for answers.
He may begin to realize that his unhappiness is not caused by his failure to find the right woman or the right career, but by who he is and the way he is living his life.
Rather than blame others, he may ask, “How have I caused this to happen? Perhaps I need to change and develop greater self-awareness before I can have a healthy relationship or a satisfying career.”
This is a very difficult and courageous step for a man to take. Having successfully mastered his life on the outside, he is now forced to acknowledge that he needs help to explore difficulties encountered in his inner life.
From Real men do therapy by Jerry Magaro.
* * *
Most men grow up with an emptiness inside them. Call it father hunger, call it male deprivation, call it personal insecurity, it’s the same emptiness.
When positive masculine energy — a male mode of feeling — is not modeled from father to son, it creates a vacuum in the souls of men. And into that vacuum demons pour.
Among other things, they seem to lose the ability to know how to read situations and people correctly.
Richard Rohr, in From wild man to wise man: Reflections on male spirituality.
Bert’s therapy (#17): Guilty
Bad day at work.
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What happened?
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Boss yelled at me.
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And how do you feel?
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Guilty.
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Why’d the boss yell?
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Having a bad day, I guess. He’s like that.
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So why do you feel guilty?
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I don’t know.
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That’s not guilt you’re feeling.
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It’s not?
1
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No. It’s anger. Internalized anger often feels like guilt.
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It does?
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Sure. Anger’s like poison. If you don’t spit it out at the person who hurt you, it eats away at you and feels like guilt.
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I don’t know about that. I’ve always been a pretty guilty person.
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4I see. Tell me, what’s your boss like?
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He’s an asshole.
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How big an asshole?
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Big.
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Big?
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Enormous.
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And how’s it feel, working for an enormous asshole?
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I hate it. I hate him. I hate my job.
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th12
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Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate.
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therapist (13)
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bert (14)
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How you feeling now?
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Better. Much better. Not guilty at all.
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th
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Does that always work?
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When the guilt comes from internalized anger, pretty much.
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bert (17)
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By the way, how’s your marriage going?
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bert (18)
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* * *
Want more?
So we are always trying to get to the impasse, and find the point where you believe you have no choice of survival because you don’t find the means within yourself. When we find the place where the person is stuck, we come to the surprising discovery that this impasse is mostly merely a matter of fantasy. It doesn’t exist in reality. A person only believes he has not his resources at his disposal. He only prevents himself from using his resources by conjuring up a lot of catastrophic expectations…. “People won’t like me.” “I might do something foolish.” “If I would do this, I wouldn’t be loved any more, I would die,” and so on. We have all these catastrophic fantasies by which we prevent ourselves from living, from being. We are continually projecting threatening fantasies onto the world, and these fantasies prevent us from taking the reasonable risks which are part and parcel of growing and living.
Fritz Perls, Gestalt Therapy Verbatim.
therapist (18)
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Bert’s therapy (#2): Felicia
So. Your wife sent you.
…………….
[1]
[2]
[3]
Yes.
Why?
……….
[1]
[2][3]…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
.
I have control issues, she says.
What’s she mean?
[1]
[2]
[3]
I have no idea.
She doesn’t say what bothers her?
……………………….
[1]
[2]
[3]
Nope. She’s a bit crazy, my wife.
I see. What’s her name?
….
[1]
[2]
[3]
Felicia.
Maybe we should ask Felicia in to tell us herself.
……………………….
…..
[1]
[2]
[3]
How’d you feel about that?
[1]
[2]
[3]
. . . . .
[1]
[2]
[3]
I’ll tell you everything.
Thought you might.
***
Want more?
It all boils down to how you view what goes on within your relationships, specifically your significant ones.
First and foremost, marriage is designed to help you grow up. It’s not about happiness. It’s not about becoming more complete, despite what Hollywood and popular press would like you to believe. Marriage is about growing. Happiness will accompany you at times along the way, but it’s not the ultimate goal.
And second: your growth – your responsibility; your spouse’s – theirs. When you keep this in mind you realize that all you can control in a relationship is yourself.
Click here to read the rest of Corey Allan’s “Relationships are easy.”
