Felicia’s pissed at me.
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What about?
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I’m not really sure.
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therapist-2
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Monday she said I don’t make enough money.
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th
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Tuesday she complained I’m not home enough.
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therapist-4
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Wednesday she called me an “uninvolved father.”
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therapist-5
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Thursday she called me a slob.
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Sounds confusing.
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Bet your ass.
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How did you respond?
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Well, let’s see. Tuesday I went in and asked my boss for a raise.
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therapist-8
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Wednesday I came home early with flowers.
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therapist-9
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Thursday I helped Junior with his science project.
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therapist-10
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And Friday I did two loads of laundry and cleaned the bathroom.
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Did it work?
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No. Now she tells me I’m fat. What’s going on here?
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Gorilla warfare.
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Don’t you mean “guerilla” warfare?
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No, gorilla. It’s a control thing. Your two inner monkeys are battling it out.
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bert-14
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Happens all the time in split-level relationships.*
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2*What’s this? Click here.
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One partner seeks satisfaction by complaining or making endless demands on the other.
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bert-15
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The other seeks relief by trying to appease the first. But it never works.
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Why not?
Because they’re ignoring the real problem, whatever that is. Pretty common in couples who haven’t learned to talk to each other.
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Well, I hate feeling beat up. What can I do?
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Less.
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Meaning…
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Give up control. Stop appeasing her.
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She’ll get angry.
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She’s already angry. Same result, less work.
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Okay. Anything else?
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Give up control in another way. Ask what she’s really angry about.
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She may not know at first. That’s fine. Be patient. Be curious. Be brave. Keep asking.
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That I can’t do.
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Why not?
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She might actually tell me.
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Oh. Well, in that case…
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There’s always Weight Watchers.
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* * *
The term control has come to have a negative connotation.
People are not supposed to control, dominate, exploit, or manipulate each other. We are told to accept others and to take responsibility for our own needs.
This popular philosophy, although having a certain validity, violates an important human truth.
People require a certain minimum of staisfaction to make a relationship tolerable. They also require a certain minumum of control.
Individuals need to have a way of asserting their needs, making complaints, bringing issues of concern to their partners’ attention, correcting problems, and in general getting through to and having an effect on their partners if their relationships are to be viable.
~ Daniel B. Wile, Couples therapy: A nontraditional approach (John Wiley & Sons, 1981).
llected some pretty cool entries so far.
